


like flowers filling my head

by gracieli



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:15:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25653493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracieli/pseuds/gracieli
Summary: In the aftermath of the explosion, Buck takes up gardening. It helps.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 140





	like flowers filling my head

**Author's Note:**

> tw allusions to depression, PTSD, and negative self talk

It’s Maddie who suggests gardening to him first. 

A few months have passed since the ladder truck explosion and Buck knows that she’s becoming more and more frustrated with the way he swings between total apathy or irritability, and she’s nearing the end of her rope but Buck is trying, really. He is still pushing through his biweekly physical therapy sessions, still taking his medications, still doing his daily stretches. He’s still fighting but sometimes it feels like all he does is fight and he’s tired. He’s tired of fighting for something that isn’t guaranteed, of waking up screaming and still feeling the crushing weight of the ladder truck on him, of hating himself so so much. 

Because Buck had never really loved himself but he loved being a firefighter and that was enough. He could love the person he became when he put his uniform on and be assured of his worth, and that was all Buck needed. 

Then a teenager and a bomb ripped that all away from him and he was left with nothing, nothing to love anymore. So he’s bitter and hurt all of the time, and he hates this broken version of himself who is exhausting and a waste of space, who can’t help anyone - especially not himself. 

It doesn’t help that he can see how much everyone around him struggles because of him. He makes them worry, makes them bring him to his doctor’s appointments and physical therapy sessions, makes them bring him food because he can’t find the energy to cook, makes them keep him company in the night as he suffers through nightmares. He never asks for any of this but they are kind and loving and Buck doesn’t deserve any of it. 

He knows he should be happy they care and most of the time, he is. Because all he ever wanted was to feel loved and cared for, even when he wasn't being useful in some way.

On his bad days, though, their concern just makes him feel worse, only reminds him of how broken he is now. 

So when Maddie suggests gardening, he resolves not to worry Maddie anymore and agrees to look into it. When he does, he finds that he doesn’t entirely hate the idea. 

He asks Bobby to accompany him to the local nursery after a physical therapy session one afternoon and Bobby is more than willing to tag along, seemingly happy to support Buck’s newfound interest. When they get to the nursery, Buck finds that he is overwhelmed but finally it's in a way that makes him excited and hopeful instead of anxious and exhausted. 

He circles around the fruit and vegetable plants for a while before deciding on strawberry, tomato, and carrot plants. When they stroll past some California poppies, he doesn’t think before throwing them in as well. Ever since Buck first came to Los Angeles, he has always loved the golden poppies whose beauty never failed to evoke a sense of fondness and pride in him for the life that he’s built here, in the first home he’s ever really known.

When Buck first looked into gardening and ended up deep in one his research spirals, he came across an article about the decline of native pollinators in California and so he makes sure to add a bunch of pollinator-friendly flowers to his cart, throwing in narrow-leaf milkweed, yarrow, hummingbird sage, white sage, and lupines. By the time they leave the nursery, Buck has way more plants than he had anticipated buying but he couldn’t imagine having to sacrifice any of them, having grown attached to all of the plants in a very short time. 

The two of them eventually get back to his loft and Buck’s excitement dips when he realizes that he can’t really carry much of anything into the apartment. Bobby, however, is completely unfazed at having to lug most of the plants and materials inside. While Buck is apologetic, Bobby shrugs him off, genuinely eager to do this for him. After the load is brought to the balcony, they spend the rest of the afternoon setting everything up and repotting, arranging, and watering the plants as needed. 

So from that day on, Buck has a garden and while it isn’t a cure all, it’s a salve to the weeping wound that had opened in the aftermath of the explosion and had been bleeding Buck dry since. 

Some days when he’s so depressed and can’t see the point of doing anything at all, the only thing that gets him out of bed is knowing that his plants need to be watered and cared for. He always ends up feeling a bit better for it, too, knowing that he served some purpose. Because he watered his plants, the visiting bees and butterflies and insects can continue to thrive and contribute to their own communities and ecosystems, and the thought of that makes everything else seem just a little less crushing. 

Sometimes while he’s watering his plants, he finds a caterpillar munching on a leaf or bees flitting around the poppies and he feels a little less alone for it. His balcony becomes the one place in his apartment that doesn’t feel so oppressive in its solitude and so he begins to spend his days outside, absorbing the warmth of the sun and enjoying a book or a podcast. 

Eddie brings Christopher over one day and Buck shows him the little garden, teaching him about pollination when they see a bee land on one of the lupines. Christopher absorbs it all like an eager sponge, soaking up every word Buck says with amazement. When the bee moves off of the flower and begins to circle Eddie, who manically tries to run away from it, both Buck and Christopher cackle at his expense. They hang out in the garden for a while after that, despite Eddie’s vigilance toward the bees that frequent the flowers. Christopher delicates himself to searching for bugs hiding in the soil and leaves and Buck and Eddie are content to just watch him and talk about nothing in particular. At some point, a butterfly visits and floats around Christopher and Buck’s heart expands as the boy shrieks in happiness and wonder. Buck feels so light and warm, in this moment it’s easy to forget that he ever felt dark and low.

Pride fills Buck’s chest when two beautiful and full tomatoes finally ripen after a month of patience and care. When Bobby visits him a few days later, Buck quietly offers the tomatoes to him, hoping to seem casual. He tries not to give away how much it means to him, because it’s slightly embarrassing how excited he is about gifting tomatoes of all things, but Bobby just smiles in appreciation and tells him he can’t wait to use them for a recipe he wanted to make for next shift’s dinner. Buck doesn’t even have time to become upset at the reminder that life at the station has carried on without him, that there have been many family dinners he’s missed out on, because Bobby doesn’t hesitate to extend an invitation, which Buck readily accepts. 

The next afternoon, he is at the station helping Bobby prepare dinner, the two of them sitting at the table chopping the tomatoes and other vegetables for some complicated salad Bobby’s planning. It’s familiar in a way that would normally make Buck’s heart ache, but for the first time since the explosion he doesn’t feel mocked by the presence of everything he thought he lost. When dinner is ready and the rest of the crew floods into the loft, Buck just allows himself to enjoy the feeling of contentment that floats around the room and fills him with warmth. As he watches his family dig into the food they prepared, Buck is happy. He thinks this is enough for him, to know that the product of his love and labor was enjoyed by the people he loves the most. 

More tomatoes fruit and eventually the carrots begin to grow, as do the strawberries, and Buck quickly realizes that his favorite thing is to share them. He’ll eat some occasionally but he mostly gives away his produce, to Bobby, to Carla, to Hen, to Eddie, to anyone who will take them. He reserves most of his strawberries for Maddie, though, knowing how much she loves them. 

One of his favorite things is when he gives Bobby vegetables and in turn, Bobby sends pictures of the firehouse meals he cooks using Buck’s produce. Buck likes the idea of a small part of him still being with the 118 even when he can’t be. It all feels kind of silly but Buck appreciates that Bobby seems to understand what it means to him and has never judged him for it, only reciprocates Buck’s enthusiasm in full. Buck sometimes thinks about what his father would say if he saw his son being so giddy about growing food and flowers and he’s doubly grateful for Bobby’s presence in his life. 

So while the fruits and vegetables are for his family, the flowers are just for him. Buck never tears the wildflowers from their roots to put them in a vase or give them to others. He’s more than happy just to watch them grow and let them bloom in place. 

The garden is there, through a pulmonary embolism, tsunami, and lawsuit. All of this is still painful, but his little garden helps remind him that there is a world beyond the firehouse, that he is someone beyond the firehouse and even when he returns to the station and his family, he always keeps that little bit of reassurance close to his heart, and it helps just enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love the idea of Buck having a garden and tending to his little fruits and veggies and flowers. I also took field botany in college and loving plants & flowers is kind of my entire personality so this was inevitable.
> 
> also uh not that I would ever project onto Buck (🙄) but having a few plants to take care of did make a difference for me when I was at my worst. It wasn’t a cure all by any means but it was something that made me happy and got me through the day when not much else would.
> 
> anyway, I really hope you guys liked this! If you did, please comment bc it really makes me ridiculously happy
> 
> also i’m @gracieli on tumblr if you want to say hi!


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